Happy wife, happy life
I once heard a comedian talking about a feature on phones called a “blue calendar”. The purpose of this calendar was to tell a woman when she was about to have her period. The comedian joked that this would be far more useful for the male in the relationship because the next time they were at the video shop and she said “I really want to watch 'My Best Friend's Wedding'”, he can check the calendar and say “Sure honey, I'd love to”.
As I have become a
more experienced fiancé, I have become particularly adept at telling
when it is that time of the month. Without sucking up, this
comes from having a particularly wonderful fiancée. Overnight she
goes from being thoughtful, caring and easy-going to being a
fire-breathing weapon of mass destruction.
The contrast is so
striking that I have this “aha!” moment where I realise exactly
what is going on. This is, however, where my intelligence ends. I
know this because I routinely come to the conclusion that it is a
good idea to inform her of my proud discovery:
“Darling”, I
say, “is it that time of the month?”
This never ends
well.
Girls don't like
to be told that it is that time of the month. You see, we guys
see a problem and want to offer a solution: Do you want some Neurofen? Should I heat up that little heat bag in the microwave and
see how much it expands before it explodes?
But girls don't
want solutions! They want you to listen. No
one knows what this means exactly, girls especially. Hence,
raising the whole period thing leads to levels of anger that you have
probably experienced, and really need to avoid.
One of my best techniques to deal with this is to buy a couple of rolls of dairy milk chocolate at Woolworths each month. I buy them individually, and look knowingly at the checkout chick whilst doing so, saying, “this is my backup plan” (this is far less effective when I use the self checkout aisles).
Oh yes, I may look like an idiot at the time. But have you ever given chocolate to an irrationally upset girl before? She hugs you and cries like she has just seen “The Notebook”, sobbing uncontrollably and telling you how much she loves you. It is like an extremely sophisticated vending machine where you put the chocolate into it and love and tears of joy come out.
One of the
funniest and also stupidest things I ever did was when my fiancée and
I had our first fight. We started arguing about the washing or
something stupid like that and it ended in her demanding to be
taken to the train station to go home. I'd had my "aha!" moment by then
so I thought I'd have a little fun with it.
I drove to the
train station as requested and parked out the front. She pontificated about why we were "fighting in the first place” (I knew), and hinted
at a reconciliation. Of course, I gave in and we worked everything
out and were all smiles again. That was until she asked, “So, what
do you want to do now?”
My reply?
“Don't you have
a train to catch”
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